Why Does It Hurt So Bad
Just Want to Be Normal
When making a presentation about my childhood growing up with low self-esteem and being insecure a member of the audience asked: “what is normal anyway.” And as her voice trailed off, I could hear her say, “there is no such thing as normal.” This is when I gave her my definition, which I had never heard anyone say before. I said to her, “you know when you are not” that is how I define normal.
Growing up there were few places where I did not feel as if I were an outsider. What I wanted to feel most, is normal. Just like the other kids, at least, that is what I was telling myself for they appeared to be living a normal life to me. I did not know, then, what I know now. What I was reaching for, was my Self. Instead, what I got was all else but this that I sought. There was a feeling in me that was causing me great pain and I could not move away from it. My mind and soul were shouting look at me I am somebody too.
I was crying out in silence; of course, no one could hear what I was feeling. They could only see what I was doing. It seemed they would only look when there was not one good thing to see. I did do many things right. Though I could not let the right things be and I would find a way to overshadow any good I had done. It did not change, as I grew older. It hurt not to know why.
Others did feel the sting of some of my actions. Even so, the things I would do hurt me the most. I owned them. This I knew. My life would not let me forget. The change did not come easy but came it did. There is a way and I have found it. All I want to do now is share it with those who are still suffering.
I just wanted to be normal. You know when you are not.