Self-control is Not
SELF control will not hide your true feelings for long, which is not the answer. It takes an effort that pits your mind against your “Self” to do so. Life is all about being who you are, the real you. The Self will not be controlled for long. Any effort to do so will last for only a brief time. It is at this point that your control will lose its grip, and your hold will give way. That is when you will act the way you truly feel. This is what you are trying to hide when you use self-control. It happens when a thing you have worked for is at stake, and it is closer than ever or in those situations where your confidence is weak and not enough to sustain you.
No matter the time, place, or circumstance, what is certain is that there will be a time when you will lose Self-control. You must strive to be self-aware, that you will not lose once you have it. To be self-aware is to know who you are. It is what is left when all else is peeled away. It is our core, the Self.
The mind can be just like a misbehaving child.
It was as if I would be hearing silent words. What else could it be? A voice in my head is telling me to do what I did not know I wanted to do. I would do whatever came to mind. This, it seemed, without any thought at all. The thing is, I needed to give myself more time to think. When I would do what I should not do, to say that I was sorry would be to say I was wrong. That was a thing I found hard to do. I would promise myself I would not do it again. I meant it until the next time. And there was always “a next time.” I tried to take charge of what I would say and do. I did this by trying to control myself. It did not work.
My mind would not let me see myself in a good light. I was unaware of my SELF: Whom am I supposed to be? Who is this looking back at me when I look in the mirror? Is it a nephew or a son, or a smart child or just a mannish boy? I think, maybe, I was a “surprise:” A mistake no one knew what to do with. I could not control my thoughts. They were taunting me day and night. I was the aim of my discomfort, and I could neither share nor pass it on. We will not control that which we do not understand. If we understand, we do not need control.
We can control some things, but not our “Self.” That is, not for very long. We must learn to live with, not control, the Self. Self-control should not be the goal. There are limits on how long we can keep ourselves in check. When you feel you must control what you might say or do, you must always be vigilant and aware of what could be coming your way: from all angles. Control of self will let you down when you need it most. When we know ourselves well, we do not need Self, control. The Self does not need to be controlled. Nor can it be. Self, control will give way, and one time is too many.
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