“It is what got me here, and would not let me leave until it carried me away.”
If you want to listen to what I have to say, then say what you have to say. Nothing but the truth is the only way we can understand who we are and how we feel.
My name is __________and I live in___________. I am__________. My______________. I now realize that_________. And it is because____________. When I was growing up my_______. I got_________. Why________. There are times when________. I have tried_________. No one________. I need________. If_________. Then________. They__________. It_________. I am open to__________. I just feel________. I think_________.
To understand what comes next, you have to become a part of what you hear when you read. But you do have to listen to what you hear. They are not the same. You have to try to listen. Hearing you do not. You have to let it sink in until it becomes a vision in your mind’s eye. You do have to feel it to see it. And you have to see it with not only your eyes, but with your mind to believe it.
Much of what I say may not be clear to you on first reading. It will all be clear to you once you understand. It may take more than a first glance; change is not always understood on the first look. And this is change, and not just for change sake. What we think we know is not all there is. This is just another way to look at life. It is not so much the comfort of a story, as it is to look at how we think what we do, and why. There is a reason why our lives are the way they are. No matter the way we live. For me it became a dependent state of mind.
It keeps me from sinking, but it doesn’t allow me to swim.
You can only tread water for so long. You have to swim or you will sink. I had not learned how. You are taught, or learn from what you think about what you see. And what we see may not always be what we think it is.
It all begins with a walk through the mind. At some point, and I am not sure when, I became dependent. I looked around, and it was just there. I now needed help from someone else so that I could help me. What was this? I never knew that I thought this way. One thing I do know, it is a sign of weakness. As I looked back, I realized it was nothing new. My upbringing was a breeding ground for this type of behavior. And what had been set in motion would get in my way.
The dependent mindset had come to life in my mind and would tug on me for many years to come. It held me back and became a way of life. And many of my choices were made with this way of thinking. I would reach for the quick and easy. You will do that when you are willing to settle for less than your best. I paid for it by letting go of what dignity I had left. The jobs that I had growing up could not help me overcome the weakness that was in me. It was all deep down inside, it held on, and would not let go. I have had wonderful jobs, and did not have the mind to hold on to them.
This did not change my dependent way of thinking. Could be I lost the jobs on purpose, I don’t know, just a thought. Then again, yes, I do know. No one would do this on purpose. It was my mind, again, telling me what to do. This is when I should have been the one doing the talking. I did not do the best for myself and it was all caused by my insecure feelings and low self-esteem. Which had always been there, it seems. This in turn caused me to think in ways that made no sense. I was not given the space to learn to love myself. You do not hurt that which you love. And hurt is what I was doing. This is the reason for it all. You have to have it to give it.
My roots were planted in loose soil. It caused me to feel uncertain about who I was. All I could do was search for something to hold on to. Only a drive to survive is what you own. And one day you open your eyes. It is then that you realize you have become dependent on those around you. It got the best of me and drove me to the wall.
When you live your life this way, you have to keep always the edge, and this you cannot do. When you let go of your grip and try to be yourself, your advantage will give way and so will your hold. You have to be yourself first because that is who you are. When we are not being who we are, it will not be us they know. If you do not know this experience, think what it would be like. The hunter is now the game. Do not think your “Self” in to its grip. There are things in life that must be as we expect them to be. We depend on these things. As we do life itself. To depend is a way of life. The way it is meant to be. To be dependent on a person, place or thing is just a way to say, I quit. It shows a lack of Self awareness.
We should never think we cannot do a thing on our own. It is not how we should live. Never think you have no choice. In a relationship, on the job, or any other time or place you have to feel you are free to be you. We have the right to be who we are. Our role in life depends on it. We can be no one else. We only do this when we find it hard for whatever the reason to be ourselves. No one can know who we are. How can they, if you do not know yourself. Though they will try, with your help, to tell you who you are. If we are ever lost, we must find ourselves. There is no other way to look at it. We can search but we will not find a thing more important to us than being aware of the Self. If not, not a thing will work. You are the only one who can say who you are.
Our world has to be made ready for us before we arrive. We are born for others to take care of us. It is meant to be that way—that is—until we can take care of ourselves. We have to be made ready to do so. These are the things that we get from those who are responsible for our care. If we do not, our life can be a difficult road to travel. And no one will be eager to help if he or she thinks you should already know what you do not. Many will see this as the fault of the one who has been hurt by this. That is, unless they have a reason to care. Not at all; though, if they think they have no choice for doing so.
Depend not on a source when you do not know what you give for what you get. This is when you are being helped and you do not know why. For that which you are not sure, not a thing about it can be for sure. There is not much we can be sure of when we are not sure of our own Self.
I could not lift myself up. My mind was holding me down. To be a dependent when you should not, is not a good thing to be. It is what you do when you do not have confidence in yourself. It will not let you grow. I was in a relationship where I was being held back by my own thoughts. Not knowing what would cross the line if I could muster the strength to be me. In my mind, my status was always in doubt.
When you are dependent, you do not know if your feelings are true or you are just trying to survive. I would do what I thought I must do. I was bound by my status. You don’t know if you should draw a breath when you are not sure if you should breathe. My thoughts were disordered. They caused me to think myself in to this. It would be another step like the other steps that got me here. I did not want to leave, but I could not stay. I at last heard me calling. And I listened to what I had to say.It was the only way I could be me. There was no room for me there. Of course, we do have to depend on life for what we need. It is one of the rules of nature. It is how we survive.
To depend and being dependent on are not the same. One we must and the other we should try with all our might not to be.
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