You will not hide your true feelings for long. Some try to do so by self-control. This is not the answer. It takes an effort that pits your mind against your own Self to do so. Life is all about being who you are, the real you. The Self will not be controlled, for long. Any effort to do so will last for a short time. At which point your control will lose its grip and your hold will give way. That is when we will act the way we really feel. This is what you are trying to hide when you use self-control. It happens when a thing you have worked for is at stake and it is close at hand. If it does or not, what is for sure, you will lose self-control at some time or place. You must strive to be self-aware, that you will not lose once you have it. To be self-aware, is to know who you are. It is your core. It is the Self.
The mind can be just like a misbehaving child.
It was as if I would be hearing silent words. What else could it be. A voice in my head telling me to do what I did not know I wanted to do. I would just do what ever came to mind. This it seems without any thought at all. The thing is, I was just not giving myself enough time to think. When I would do what I should not do, to say that I was sorry would be to say I was wrong. That was a thing I found hard to do. I would promise myself I would not do it again. I meant it, until the next time. And there was always a next time. I tried to take charge of what I would say and do. I did this by trying to control myself. It did not work.
My mind would not let me see myself in a good light. I was not aware of me. Who am I supposed to be? Who is this looking back at me when I look in the mirror? Is it a nephew or a son, or a smart child or just a mannish boy. Maybe, I was a surprise. A mistake no one knew what to do with. I could not control my thoughts. They were taunting me day and night. I was the aim of my discomfort, and I could not share it nor pass it on. We will not control that which we do not understand. If we understand, we do not need control.
We can control some things, but not our Self. We must learn to live with, not control, ourselves. Self-control should not be the goal. There are limits on how long we can keep ourselves in check. When you feel you must control what you might say or do, you have to be vigilant at all times. It will let you down when you need it most. When we know ourselves well we do not need Self, control. The Self does not need to be controlled. Nor can it be. Self, control will give way and one time it is too many.